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27 May 2024

The Joy of Transness

by Anne Macedo

There’s joy in transitioning, even though it’s hard to be trans.

During my teens, I didn’t feel like a human. There was a song I used to listen on repeat called “I’m not human at all” by Sleep Party People. It resonated a lot with me. I often felt depressed, unhappy with myself, and pretty existentialist.

I would often think life was an accident. I mean, it is, I never wished to be born, neither my parents did. And it’s okay to feel that way. However, just because life is an accident, it doesn’t mean we have to despise it. We should try to live life. To do meaningful things, to care for each other, to be happy.

However, without happiness, that feeling can turn into self-destruction. Suicide was a constant thought in my life (and still kind of is). Through my teens and early-adulthood, I felt like I just existed, but I felt completely dissociated with my own body. I didn’t understand myself very well, so I thought depression and anxiety were just some problems that I happened to have, because of chemical unbalance or something.

When I started to realize I was trans, I started feeling some small joy, euphoria, with my own existence. Pretending I was a girl online was one of the things that would bring me so much joy as a teenager. That made me feel like I could have some kind of control over my life, over who I am.

Every bit of transitioning would bring me small doses of euphoria:

The net sum of all of these bits of euphoria brought me happiness. I finally felt like I was the person I’ve always wanted to be. I care about my life, about myself. I have plans for the future, it feels great to be alive. There’s only so much to pursue in this planet. I was freed from the gender prison.

tags: transgender